‘You’ll lose everything in this fight and lose the will to live’ said my Legal Counsel as I smiled at my own fate, refusing to give up. 44 days of not seeing the child I reared equally in every way; perhaps a death no parent deserves – with my resilience and ability to “look” unfazed publicly in any conflict a seeming curse.
‘The court looks at a man like a sperm donor and a trust fund’ said at least a dozen lawyers refusing to fight for me – a fact I struggled fighting for 2 years all while putting the biggest smile on my face with my lips sealed for the majority of the world, while dying everyday inside as I stood like a beggar in these court rooms running state to state and the supreme court eventually – with not one person by my side but my parents who died a thousand deaths looking at their pampered and over-protected son’s ordeal but never backed down. An equal nightmare was how they mended a heart they never broke, healed & continue to heal the trauma they never caused while I crumbled into so many pieces questioning my existence and unable to function on most days yet forcing myself to get up for work with a smile.
Irony was and is we love to like, comment, and share a Shikhar Dhawan story on Parental alienation, but we forget there are thousands of men around us who go through this daily silently – some not enitrely because of their ex-spouses, but because of the screwed up legal system and vested legal interests in this country where a child is the biggest weapon in any negotiation and with the courts speedy justice enabling this nonsense. I am sure people laugh when I count days, but I guess it was cathartic counting days back then, that one bad day less to deal with in this lifetime.
You don’t look like someone who’s going through a divorce said so many, while some remarked how resilient I was, while others mocked at how a man who apparently couldn’t control his own wife could handle a team at work, the constant legal rhetoric that I needed to man up, increase my body count and have another child – Little did I realize me being born with a penis made so much of a difference for in ways more than one as I grew up with a male sibling and never saw female discrimination in really close quarters. All this while my ex-wife and I were constantly ridiculed for refusing to let our situation be a curse for our child – for she owed us nothing while we owed her the world.
As we concluded the chapter in June’23 after being tired of the courts and our own emotional distress – all I could think was my family might not look like a lot of y’all but it’s still one that I’ll cherish till I breathe and I guess we are happy raising our child in 2 happy homes as my ex-spouse graciously settles in a foreign land, instead of choosing to muck it out daily for the society like many others for the sake of their children – who would inevitably be affected in either.
As I navigate my life which is a mix of cloudy and sunny days - searching for happiness dealing with the unique situations I find myself in at multiple points, I felt compelled to write this not to evoke any feelings but perhaps as a reminder to practice kindness rather than vocalize it superficially – which social media has made us an expert at. I guess it’s also a reminder for myself and anyone going through tough times on their own that often you don’t need the world by your side but yourself as the voice of reason.
While I believe in the concept of ‘Never Complain, Never Explain’, I hope we can try being real for not letting people’s happiness be a sight for our own sore eyes and narrow-minded judgement. To the multiple people, going to wish me strength and bull shit on my post like the one in June'23, please refrain because I know the people who reached out and the people who acted to care, so kindly spare me the hypocrisy.
I guess we all live once and once is enough to make it count while being real for a change …
